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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Someday, I will know me again.

Reality hit like a ton of bricks - again. I've been here before. Each time it's as if an epiphany I haven't known before.  Teary-eyed I sit here looking around my home, and I can't seem to grab hold of purpose, strength, vision, or understanding. I pray for these things every day, but every day is operated in false sense of hope that something will change in me.
I am who I am.
I'm so busy caring and loving four beautiful children that I can't see what the person inside of me looks like anymore - outside of Mom. I would LOVE to find myself again.  Different and the same in ways, but how is it possible to do anything for myself outside of caring for my children at this stage? No one talks about this stuff. Well, we do, but by default we respond to each other with the same old statements that get us through the day, but I dare say most of us feel lost at times and worry about our future as a person outside of Mom.
I am a person outside of Mom...but today I only see "Mom". It is both a privilege and a horror to be one. The depth of love and care for our children is often detrimental to ourselves. We can't help it. It can't be changed. We were made to love deeper and harder for our children than ourselves. That's what we do. We are Moms.
Someday I will have time for myself again. Just not now. Not tomorrow. And by time for myself, I don't mean exercise, a drink with a girlfriend, or a couple hours in a book...I make time for that. I mean TIME as in flourishing in old and new talents, experiences, dreams...that have all been put on hold in this season of mothering. 
It is hard. At the end of the day we are all forced to come to grips with who we are and who we've become - some things great, some not so great. We are forced to let go of today and look ahead to tomorrow, whether our hearts and souls are ready for it.
Someday, I will know me again.


  1. Kaley, I was a teen mom with no help for a long time. I now have a 22,20,16 and 7 year old. My son visits his dad every other weekend and my other children are always busy with friends. For the first time in over 20 years, I am dreaming again. It is pretty cool. Enjoy your babies while they are young. It goes so fast. Hugs, Paula

    1. Love this Paula. You are an amazing woman, that's for sure. love you girl!

  2. Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than just
    your articles? I mean, what you say is important and all.
    Nevertheless think about if you added some great visuals
    or videos to give your posts more, "pop"! Your content is excellent but with pics and
    videos, this blog could undeniably be one of the best in its niche.
    Very good blog!

    1. Wow! This is an excellent suggestion, and thank you for your kind words! As a photographer, it really is quite silly that I do not post photos along with my posts. I know how powerful images can be. As far as other articles, I think i've been uncertain about copyright rules and whether or not I can freely post articles of interest (of course crediting source/author). Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!


~ a memoir of motherhood and life