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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Habitual at Heart

It's true. We are. All of us. Maintaining good habits and routines are already difficult to walk out for ourselves, let alone when you have 4 or more (or less) children to help guide and steer in the right way. The stresses and demands of life can suck the joy out of living.  I'm tired of being overthrown by this all too busy life. But there's no turning back. I need to figure out a way to keep living with purpose and joy as the backbone.  It's so easy to fall back on habitual ways of coping instead of taking charge and fighting hard.

I'm suffocating. Until now, I thought it was due to taking care of 4 children. . .now I've realized it's more due to my frustration with the way I parent and lack of ability to act out what I know is right. My "outs" have become self help books to strengthen myself as a parent, to figure out how to be their coach in every phase of childhood. That, or I get together with a friend over a drink and talk through the difficulty of motherhood. It's tough! 4 little people with big personalities, lots to say, and energy I would kill for.

The ages of my kids are 7, 4, 2, and 3 months. You can say I'm pretty busy. There is no break in the day. Night only leads to the morning of doing it all over again. The thought of another day is enough to dig myself in a hole sometimes.  This is the reality people! Don't try to sugar coat it.

It is the hardest job on earth. The responsibility never leaves you. It haunts you every sleeping and wakeful moment. When they are at school,  you never stop thinking about them; what are they doing? I hope they're ok. I hope they are happy. What will it be like when they come home? How do I manage and maintain their emotions when my own are enough to handle? How do I remain calm, continue to nurture, all the different needs? They all need me at the same time - for different reasons.  It is both humbling and scary as shit.

Ahhhhhh. . . .smelling the roses. . . .which is a combination of "you're screwed, stop trying to figure it out!" and "what a wonderful blessing to have and to hold children." It truly is a blessing. 

To tell a mother to stop worrying is to tell mother nature to stop sending Spring. It is inevitable - all part of the cycle of living and loving the generation before us.....our children.  God be with us as we guide them.

It is unlike anything I ever imagined. I'm trying to break out of the habitual patterns that affirm anxiety and fear, and instead cling to truth and hope of a better day. Ive heard that life is a dance. Well I say, life is a fight! Nothing is handed to you.  Even when you're reaching for it in desperation.  It will not be handed to you. You have to fight hard for it. 

Well, whatever you're drinking (mines chamomile tea at the moment), Raise your glasses Mama's! Here's to fighting hard! Lets beat the shit out of guilt and shame that tell us we don't measure up or are disqualified. I quite disagree. Our children need US. No one else. Just us. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. We are good enough. Just need a little refining from time to time.


Saturday, January 24, 2015

Nothing Else Matters

A busy mind, we are stuck with. 
It takes great focus to see only what's present.

Care not about the next thing.
Press in, to this fleeting minute. 
Let it last a little longer.
That next thing will still be there. 
This moment will soon perish.

Be present.

Just be.


B r e a t h e.

Nothing else matters. . .
Nothing else matters.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Beautiful Balance of Relationship

I write this after an exhausting week of sickness in our home. Sick and weary Mommy and Daddy taking care of 3 sick kids and a nursing babe; whose needs have sucked us dry. We have survived a very hard week; stripped of sleep... stripped of any affirmation that would say "thank you, you are doing a good job". . .stripped of laughter and that sense of happiness...

We have survived.

In these moments,  everything seems a little darker. "Seems" is key. The truth in my mind has me weigh in on all the ways I am not wanted or that I am not good enough. In these moments, truth has to be sought outside of myself. Sometimes it comes from an encouraging friend or family member. But sometimes it doesn't come - and sometimes the darker corners of truth are highlighted when someone I love is insulting, or is simply absent on a daily basis.

It is in these moments I cling to the truth of my Creator, Who knows me inside and out, while hoping to be reminded by those I love, that I am wanted... no matter what.

I hope to be wanted in every day - when it looks messy or when nothing "special" is happening. I hope to be thought of in the mundane; when for no other reason than the thought of me, caused them to reach out.

I write, because we ALL want this.

It is so important for family to come along side each other equally when it's good and bad. If we give too much attention when things go wrong, or only when things go well, we make the person feel out of balance in our support. It starts to feel conditional.  Unconsciously the person ends up striving for approval in the less affirmed areas.

Relationship should be a beautiful balance adjusting to the cycle of life. It is the sun and clouds enhancing in nature what is needed to survive. Relationship is fluid. It moves with the seasons of hardship and grief and flows toward hope and happiness.  

We are all needed in our intimate circles of family and friends through every difficult, wonderful, and mundane happening.

I desire this for myself.  I desire this for you. I desire this greatest for my husband and kids. God desires it equally for all.

"God. . .

Help us to walk in balance with You and with each other.  Impress upon us the beautiful balance of relationship You created for family and friendship. What does this look like day to day for each of us? Help us to discern who's "bucket to fill". Give us strength to see outside of our own needs to make choices for the greater good. Help us tune in to the lives before us, in arms length, who need to be reminded that they are wanted.

Please speak to us.

We are listening."