Reality hit like a ton of bricks - again. I've been here before. Each time it's as if an epiphany I haven't known before. Teary-eyed I sit here looking around my home, and I can't seem to grab hold of purpose, strength, vision, or understanding. I pray for these things every day, but every day is operated in false sense of hope that something will change in me.
I am who I am.
I'm so busy caring and loving four beautiful children that I can't see what the person inside of me looks like anymore - outside of Mom. I would LOVE to find myself again. Different and the same in ways, but how is it possible to do anything for myself outside of caring for my children at this stage? No one talks about this stuff. Well, we do, but by default we respond to each other with the same old statements that get us through the day, but I dare say most of us feel lost at times and worry about our future as a person outside of Mom.
I am a person outside of Mom...but today I only see "Mom". It is both a privilege and a horror to be one. The depth of love and care for our children is often detrimental to ourselves. We can't help it. It can't be changed. We were made to love deeper and harder for our children than ourselves. That's what we do. We are Moms.
Someday I will have time for myself again. Just not now. Not tomorrow. And by time for myself, I don't mean exercise, a drink with a girlfriend, or a couple hours in a book...I make time for that. I mean TIME as in flourishing in old and new talents, experiences, dreams...that have all been put on hold in this season of mothering.
It is hard. At the end of the day we are all forced to come to grips with who we are and who we've become - some things great, some not so great. We are forced to let go of today and look ahead to tomorrow, whether our hearts and souls are ready for it.
Someday, I will know me again.