I promised myself that my blog wouldn't become a journal so I haven't written in a while. One of those parameters I put on myself when I started the blog. I'm going to follow the lead and write anyway.
I've been feeling so much the past couple weeks and haven't given myself the time to really feel what I'm feeling - afraid it will be a well of endless tears and uncertainty of words to follow.
My oldest son Liam is 5 years old and just finished Pre-K. I feel so out of control. He came running to me as his teacher released him for the last time. His excitement was all for the thrill of what was happening in that moment; Mom, running around the tree with his friends, pictures, saying goodbye. My excitement was barely displayed as the sadness and reality crushed my ability to be real and present. I wanted to bawl my guts out. His teacher and I reached in for a hug and when we made eye contact it took about everything in us to not lose it in tears. I thanked her for all she has done for my son, for his friends, and for all of us parents. I felt very blank as I stood there watching it all unfold. I didn't want to say goodbye. It meant no more innocent years of childhood where clothes, skin color, hair cut and style didn't matter. He would be the underdog in a new school with new friends. . . new everything.
My current fear as a Mom is the reality that I can't see or know every little detail of Liam's life anymore. He is an individual and always has been. Though I celebrate that and encourage his independence I am faced with the reality that no matter how well I package to him that he can tell me anything, he likely wont. There are certain parts of who we are that we naturally do not share with our parents. It's difficult being a disciplinary and a friend at the same time. As a parent I often feel like an oxymoron. It's like saying "Liam, don't have sex before your married, but please tell me if you do!" I have no problem being Mom over a friend but as he gets older I realize the friend part gets more important.
I am scared as hell that I am unintentionally pushing him away from me day by day. "Mom, can you play outside with me?" "Oh not today buddy, so sorry, I have so much to do around here". . ."Mom, do you want to play a game with me!?" "Oh buddy, I would love that but. . . " "Mom will you read a book to me?" "I guess, but just one." But. But. But.
I'm afraid one morning I will wake up and wonder why I let him slip so far. And why I allowed laundry, dishes, a friend, a family member, my phone, facebook. . . more time into my heart than my kids. The thing is, none of us ever mean for it to happen. We just mean for something else to happen - and it gets in the way. Unintentionally doing something doesn't lessen the blow to the one who is receiving less than great. Unintentional can hurt just as much as intentional.
I'm not looking to be the perfect Mom. Wait. That's not true. I am. We all do. We hope to be better and hope to be perfect because our kids deserve it. Yes, they do. We did. Our parents did. We all deserve the very best. So this is where "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me" comes in cause none of us are that good.
People often say "Enjoy this time." I never like hearing it. It makes me think, "you mean, I wasn't before?" It's almost like saying to someone who is sick in bed, "take care of yourself" (yeah, thanks). It would mean so much more if we would say "I love watching you enjoy your kids."
I enjoy my children but I need some improving. I need to let this image go of a perfectly put together home. It's not happening for me and my house. I beat myself up everyday because of it and give my children less than because I enter into this "woe is me." It's not the messy house that messes them up, it's ME! Ouch.
Well, woe is me if I let it, but I wont let it. . .for long. I am going to be more intentional with my kids and focus less on all the ways I'm not good enough and need to change. I have a feeling change will come if I fix my eyes and heart on what really matters and Who it's for.