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Saturday, June 29, 2013

An Honest Prayer of Doubt

Gut-wrenching prayer with my husband tonight. I felt lead to share. . .

"God. Forgive me for not seeking you. For allowing stupid people to taint my view of you. I'm so scared that if I seek you, you will not be found in the way I used to know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty that hovers over me. Everywhere I turn I'm afraid of something - Afraid for my kids - Please give me direction and hope. I have been carrying this weight for quite some time now; the reality that I cannot fulfill all of their needs. I wish I could! No one loves them like I love them. And asking you to fill in the gap often feels like I'm shifting responsibility. But I can't do it all. . .and it kills me. God bring encouragement from something, somewhere, someone! I feel so alone. I know you are here but do not have a clear vision of who you are in my future - or in my kids. It seems instead of "boxing you in" (which I've been careful not to do) I have boxed you out, allowing access only when I can't do it anymore. Protecting all that I love from you in case You are not who I thought you were. Wow. Cannot believe that is the truth in my heart. I'm scared. Very afraid. And I need you to help me think and live differently."


(Please note, the last thing I want in response to this is a lengthy scripture or message full of how you think I should go about knowing God. If lead to reply, pray first. If it is God-leading and you are absolutely sure then share. If it's human compassion I appreciate it and want you to pray. I felt I was suppose to share this tonight. Maybe not for me but for someone else.)

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~ a memoir of motherhood and life