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Monday, September 2, 2013

Priority of the Heart

A world of circumstance, heartache, fear, rejection, pain - joy, happiness, love & serendipity surrounds us. So much emotion can be experienced in one day (sometimes a lifetime of emotion). All too easy joy is squeezed out with a lesser emotion. All too easy. One damaging statement rolls around in your head over and over. You look past it, try to embrace the now and then when a moment of silence comes - there it is. It doesn't matter how hard you try to over look it and move on. It's always there. When insecurity is triggered, greater insecurity comes that is attached to so many other scenarios you thought you were "over".

How does one prioritize the issues of the heart? Prayer, crying, and talking it through can give us the needed release. But given the notion that we need to deal lovingly and sensibly with our heart's, how does one make sense of anything when it's bleeding. Mine's bleeding. It doesn't keep me from loving my kids and enjoying life with them but it's starting to come out in every day life. It's a fight I would rather not have to fight; Swallowing the rejection and choosing acceptance only in my children and husband. Being OK when things are not ok in my family. Finding peace outside of the friendships I have deeply trusted over the years and who are not so much there anymore. Encouraging my children to take opportunity and risk that I myself do not understand. Earnestly hoping for an understanding from my husband when we catch each other's eyes. You can only be so proactive with what's important in life. When the demands around you need your immediate attention survival sends you to reactive. Something always has to give. But that something is not easy to figure out.

The priority of my heart is sending my son to school tomorrow morning. We have talked about this day for months and now here it is. It seems nothing has had my heart more than this. I haven't been able to think or write about anything because this is the pressing issue of my heart that I would rather not talk about. The greatest change is about to take place for all of us. When responsible for my children, change has never been so hard. We will all be affected by this change. Somehow I have to reach deep within and find the strength enough for myself times three - three little faces who depend on me to set them up right in this world. I am scared. Very afraid of what I do not know - and what I do know. Encouraging my child to be confident and excited about all that's to come with school - I feel like I'm half lying by not telling him the whole truth. Yes good things come from school but so do some of the most damaging experiences in life. I cannot keep it from him. It pains me. . . . .

Faith brings on a whole new meaning when you are a Mom. I am trusting in God above to protect my little boy's heart as he experiences life outside of me and outside of his comfort zone. I no longer have control of what he does, who he talks to or what he sees. I will not be there when a peer or a teacher says something that hurts. He has to figure it out without me - and I hope to God when he finds comfort in me at the end of the day I can give him the support and attention he needs.

I do not want to be a victim of a bleeding heart. I hope and pray that when tomorrow comes His grace and mercy will cover our home. I hope that his first day of school is full of wonderful happenings for all of us and when something bad happens it just feels like a hiccup.

As for the rest of me; that which is uneasy, hurt, and bruised - that can wait for another day. Today the priority of my heart is my son. And my two littles and wonderful husband who are with us on this journey.

God be with us and shine your face upon us. Let your beauty consume this life you have given. And in the face of fear, security be found  - and confidence the reward of trusting.


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~ a memoir of motherhood and life