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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Habitual at Heart

It's true. We are. All of us. Maintaining good habits and routines are already difficult to walk out for ourselves, let alone when you have 4 or more (or less) children to help guide and steer in the right way. The stresses and demands of life can suck the joy out of living.  I'm tired of being overthrown by this all too busy life. But there's no turning back. I need to figure out a way to keep living with purpose and joy as the backbone.  It's so easy to fall back on habitual ways of coping instead of taking charge and fighting hard.

I'm suffocating. Until now, I thought it was due to taking care of 4 children. . .now I've realized it's more due to my frustration with the way I parent and lack of ability to act out what I know is right. My "outs" have become self help books to strengthen myself as a parent, to figure out how to be their coach in every phase of childhood. That, or I get together with a friend over a drink and talk through the difficulty of motherhood. It's tough! 4 little people with big personalities, lots to say, and energy I would kill for.

The ages of my kids are 7, 4, 2, and 3 months. You can say I'm pretty busy. There is no break in the day. Night only leads to the morning of doing it all over again. The thought of another day is enough to dig myself in a hole sometimes.  This is the reality people! Don't try to sugar coat it.

It is the hardest job on earth. The responsibility never leaves you. It haunts you every sleeping and wakeful moment. When they are at school,  you never stop thinking about them; what are they doing? I hope they're ok. I hope they are happy. What will it be like when they come home? How do I manage and maintain their emotions when my own are enough to handle? How do I remain calm, continue to nurture, all the different needs? They all need me at the same time - for different reasons.  It is both humbling and scary as shit.

Ahhhhhh. . . .smelling the roses. . . .which is a combination of "you're screwed, stop trying to figure it out!" and "what a wonderful blessing to have and to hold children." It truly is a blessing. 

To tell a mother to stop worrying is to tell mother nature to stop sending Spring. It is inevitable - all part of the cycle of living and loving the generation before us.....our children.  God be with us as we guide them.

It is unlike anything I ever imagined. I'm trying to break out of the habitual patterns that affirm anxiety and fear, and instead cling to truth and hope of a better day. Ive heard that life is a dance. Well I say, life is a fight! Nothing is handed to you.  Even when you're reaching for it in desperation.  It will not be handed to you. You have to fight hard for it. 

Well, whatever you're drinking (mines chamomile tea at the moment), Raise your glasses Mama's! Here's to fighting hard! Lets beat the shit out of guilt and shame that tell us we don't measure up or are disqualified. I quite disagree. Our children need US. No one else. Just us. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. We are good enough. Just need a little refining from time to time.


1 comment:

  1. Ok so I posted a comment and the thing vanished. So here is my second attempt.
    Have you seen the movie "Mom's Night Out"? It is a faith based movie about the trials and tribulations of being a mom.
    When I moved out, I had an empty nest feeling. I had always put my siblings and there needs as a priority. I transferred that to my students, and my husband, but it didn't fulfill. I ache and long to keep then protected. To wrap them up and keep them in a box so the evil world won't get to them. I struggle to provide for all of their needs and wants, and doing all of that determined my self-worth. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. When I was told I was barren and would most likely never have a child,
    I lost everything! God's plan was smashed, really my plan was smashed. It was a hard reality of I can't control or plan my life. I have realized I can't control anything! My heart breaks when my husband is away from me. If I don't hear from my sister everyday, I become panicked.I hate telling my students goodbye and letting them leave to go home to who knows what. I stress over not knowing what is going to happen to them. I know that most will say that anxiety is noting like when you have your own child, but love is love and when you love someone intimately, it feels like there are pieces of your heart walking around this earth. I have come to understand that that is exactly how God feels. I worry all the time! More recently my worry has been they my child will become a selfish, disrespectful, and ungodly person. What I have come to realize is that I am only a part of my child's game if chess. Just a pawn. But God is the Queen. He will see to it that the king is taken care of at all cost! My child will disappointed me, just as I have disappointed God. I know I am not a "mom" yet and I know my experiences are not like yours, but I do know that our ultimate duty on this earth is to help our children, husbands, siblings, friends ,students etc to see the love of God. To help them to lean on God and know that he has a plan for their lives. God has my road map, and I have to keep holding HIS hands in order to go down the right path. The same goes for our children. We have to trust God and his ultimate authority in our child's life. We don't have all the answers. We can't make everything perfect, only God can. Teach your children that his will be done, that he is the way the truth and the life, teach his promises. It is ok to let things go and to not be perfect, for God makes us perfect in his light. As I sit here and write this, my baby whom was "never supposed to be", after years of drs telling me over and over it would never happen, is baby who is healthy and wiggling in my tummy! The power of God and prayer by his will I will be a mom! He made the "impossible" happen. God has an ultimate plan. Not our plan, but his plan. He creates miracles and he keeps promises. Rely on him. Teach your children to rely on him. Be fruitful! I love you!


~ a memoir of motherhood and life