Proud

I am writing in honor of all mothers who have invested a great amount to give our children a rich and full life - to the best of our ability.

It's hard to put into words how I feel tonight. I am really taken back by my children who have all reached a new milestone. Liam, my 5 1/2 year old has learned how to ride a two wheel bike - a thrilling and new found freedom for him! My daughter Adelle who is 2 1/2 is now pottying on the toilet and has graduated to her "big girl bed," and Everett is eating table food and transitioning from baby to toddler. Wow. Seems so dull as I write this but the feeling attached to these inevitable experiences cannot be described, only understood. As mothers we are so easily taken back by the progression of growing up. Every little thing they do....Ugh! It just gets to our hearts!

I am so hard on myself. I strive to better, more than I am, constantly looking for ways to improve, but tonight I sit in amazement of all I am willing to do for my kids. I couldn't be more proud of who I have helped them become.

In spite of my quirkiness, bad habits that irritate the hell out of me, all the ways I fall short, one thing I am is always thankful. I will make the best with what I am given - always. A gift I offer freely to my children is thankfulness.

My house can sit in disarray for days, but I will take care of it. I am fine with leaving the laundry for a day to have an adventure with my kids, to cuddle up with a book, to nurse my baby, to be in constant explanation mode and mediate conversation so my kids understand the truth about life and relationship.

There is nothing more important to me than helping my children understand the value of life.

We are all good at something. Every one of us. Sit back and look at all you have done! There is an exceptional mother in all of us. To find it we just need to tap into the goodness and power of love that we offer to our children. His love over us is so good. And His blessing is found all around us.

Proud proud Mama today. :)

#nurturecalls

An Honest Prayer of Doubt

Gut-wrenching prayer with my husband tonight. I felt lead to share. . .

"God. Forgive me for not seeking you. For allowing stupid people to taint my view of you. I'm so scared that if I seek you, you will not be found in the way I used to know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty that hovers over me. Everywhere I turn I'm afraid of something - Afraid for my kids - Please give me direction and hope. I have been carrying this weight for quite some time now; the reality that I cannot fulfill all of their needs. I wish I could! No one loves them like I love them. And asking you to fill in the gap often feels like I'm shifting responsibility. But I can't do it all. . .and it kills me. God bring encouragement from something, somewhere, someone! I feel so alone. I know you are here but do not have a clear vision of who you are in my future - or in my kids. It seems instead of "boxing you in" (which I've been careful not to do) I have boxed you out, allowing access only when I can't do it anymore. Protecting all that I love from you in case You are not who I thought you were. Wow. Cannot believe that is the truth in my heart. I'm scared. Very afraid. And I need you to help me think and live differently."

#nurturecalls

(Please note, the last thing I want in response to this is a lengthy scripture or message full of how you think I should go about knowing God. If lead to reply, pray first. If it is God-leading and you are absolutely sure then share. If it's human compassion I appreciate it and want you to pray. I felt I was suppose to share this tonight. Maybe not for me but for someone else.)

Mental Overload (When Anxiety Hits)

My gosh. Here I sit on flylady.net ready to tackle my issues with high hopes of becoming more efficient (if you haven't visited this site before you may want to). It went from a serious high in motivation to breaking out in a sweat as the realization of how far I am from efficient sets in. Now I sit burdened by the task that was suppose to help me!

Where to start?! Now THAT is the question. It is so hard to prioritize in a world where distraction is at our finger tips. Where distraction and organization now fall in the same place: The Smart Phone. Ugh. I think it's a very dumb phone if you ask me.

I strongly desire simplicity. Where paper and pencil were the first things you picked up. But now I'm engaged in this world of functioning (dysfunction) and I can't imagine living without it. . .yet I want it gone!!! My smart phone really doesn't alleviate much paper like I thought it would. It clutters my mind and heart with so much happening in the lives of people who are not connected to me on a daily basis! We've gotten used to having to know each detail about our friends and family through media that the convenience factor makes us wonder if our friends sincerely care - or if I sincerely cared before it was "top news!"

MENTAL OVERLOAD!

God help me (us). When anxiety hits even the smallest step becomes a war zone. It's paralyzing. And the only thing I can control when I am in this paralyzed state is picking my toes and biting my nails. Nice.

Here's a few things that help me when anxiety/panic hits:

-Get up and go far from the place where anxiety came!
-Go to a place where peace and happiness are found instantly
-Fix my eyes on the priority (my priority will always have two eyes and a heart)
-Engage in a way that will make me laugh

I've learned the last thing to do when anxiety takes over is to fix my mind on what I should do. You know that hole I dug for myself!? Yeah, look for the "should" and keep diggin!

It only takes a moment of engaging in what I get to do and then what I should do doesn't seem so bad anymore. Thankful one of my happy places is with my kids outside, and today just happens to be beautiful. I'll try that efficient thing again later when I feel empowered by what sustains my happy state.

*note: happiness usually causes someone else the same result

#nurturecalls

Unintentional Can Hurt Just As Bad

I promised myself that my blog wouldn't become a journal so I haven't written in a while. One of those parameters I put on myself when I started the blog. I'm going to follow the lead and write anyway.

I've been feeling so much the past couple weeks and haven't given myself the time to really feel what I'm feeling - afraid it will be a well of endless tears and uncertainty of words to follow.

My oldest son Liam is 5 years old and just finished Pre-K. I feel so out of control. He came running to me as his teacher released him for the last time. His excitement was all for the thrill of what was happening in that moment; Mom, running around the tree with his friends, pictures, saying goodbye. My excitement was barely displayed as the sadness and reality crushed my ability to be real and present. I wanted to bawl my guts out. His teacher and I reached in for a hug and when we made eye contact it took about everything in us to not lose it in tears. I thanked her for all she has done for my son, for his friends, and for all of us parents. I felt very blank as I stood there watching it all unfold. I didn't want to say goodbye. It meant no more innocent years of childhood where clothes, skin color, hair cut and style didn't matter. He would be the underdog in a new school with new friends. . . new everything.

My current fear as a Mom is the reality that I can't see or know every little detail of Liam's life anymore. He is an individual and always has been. Though I celebrate that and encourage his independence I am faced with the reality that no matter how well I package to him that he can tell me anything, he likely wont. There are certain parts of who we are that we naturally do not share with our parents. It's difficult being a disciplinary and a friend at the same time. As a parent I often feel like an oxymoron. It's like saying "Liam, don't have sex before your married, but please tell me if you do!" I have no problem being Mom over a friend but as he gets older I realize the friend part gets more important.

I am scared as hell that I am unintentionally pushing him away from me day by day. "Mom, can you play outside with me?" "Oh not today buddy, so sorry, I have so much to do around here". . ."Mom, do you want to play a game with me!?" "Oh buddy, I would love that but. . . " "Mom will you read a book to me?" "I guess, but just one." But. But. But.

I'm afraid one morning I will wake up and wonder why I let him slip so far. And why I allowed laundry, dishes, a friend, a family member, my phone, facebook. . . more time into my heart than my kids. The thing is, none of us ever mean for it to happen. We just mean for something else to happen - and it gets in the way. Unintentionally doing something doesn't lessen the blow to the one who is receiving less than great. Unintentional can hurt just as much as intentional.

I'm not looking to be the perfect Mom. Wait. That's not true. I am. We all do. We hope to be better and hope to be perfect because our kids deserve it. Yes, they do. We did. Our parents did. We all deserve the very best. So this is where "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me" comes in cause none of us are that good.

People often say "Enjoy this time." I never like hearing it. It makes me think, "you mean, I wasn't before?" It's almost like saying to someone who is sick in bed, "take care of yourself" (yeah, thanks). It would mean so much more if we would say "I love watching you enjoy your kids."

I enjoy my children but I need some improving. I need to let this image go of a perfectly put together home. It's not happening for me and my house. I beat myself up everyday because of it and give my children less than because I enter into this "woe is me." It's not the messy house that messes them up, it's ME! Ouch.

Well, woe is me if I let it, but I wont let it. . .for long. I am going to be more intentional with my kids and focus less on all the ways I'm not good enough and need to change. I have a feeling change will come if I fix my eyes and heart on what really matters and Who it's for.

Only One Perfect Understanding

There was more to this post, but in consideration to those still dealing with the hurt I have decided to remove it. I will leave only this portion as we can all apply it to our lives. . .

"We cannot concern ourselves with issues that are not ours to evaluate. We have to believe that God is greater, God is bigger. We cannot cross judgement on someone's life if we do not understand. The truth is, none of us can completely comprehend anything. We are humanly flawed and divinely delivered out of our humanity when we submit our understanding for the chance of a better one - His."

-Kaley

#nurturecalls

Undefined

It is both good and bad - defining yourself. If you are passionate about anything you will certainly make critics. Yet if you sit void with little or no opinion, offering "peace" to a world in question, I'm not sure that will create the kind of intimacy and relationship you hope for either. There has to be a balance.

All day I've been thinking "Ok, now you've done it! You started a blog... so now what?? What will you write about next??". . . and feeling this pressure! Really?! Yuck. Who the hell wants to read or be a part of anything when we feel obligated? None of us.

Honestly, I have no idea where this blog will take me. There are no words to describe the parameters of my writings as I am committed to write from the heart. I will choose to follow the leading over the force. If I feel forced, I will run far from it. And so will all of you. I have no expectations of the regularity that I post, the content I share or the length I will share it. None of that matters to me.

So... if it's ok with you I would rather leave this site undefined with use of descriptive words, but rather defined by the heart of the matter I feel lead to share.

I am committed to follow His leading and will mess up along the way because I am passionately human. I already know this.

#NurtureCalls

An Introduction

Each day I walk it out much the same. Trying to remain happy, composed, patient, understanding. . . hoping that it stays through the end of the night. Each morning committed to making it good day! Filling it with time spent and time being productive. Most days do not turn out the way I had hoped. But the art of motherhood is learning to be OK and at peace when it doesn't all go as planned - remaining engaged when the world around us is chaotic and uncertain.

The journey of motherhood is one so fearful and wonderful. Some days we feel empowered, confident. Other days we feel helpless, insecure.

All of us love to the best of our ability yet we go about loving very differently. Because of this, we need each other. I need you. You need me. 

The joy of motherhood is so easily displayed by proud Moms, but hardly exposed when it's hard. In this blog I hope to do both. I want to paint a picture of what REALLY IS in order for me (and you) to find the beauty...and also the mess so that we can become better. After all, that's what it's all about.

The only way to have hope is when we are honest in our reality. 

Looking forward to this! And honestly scared that I might actually suck and disappoint whoever reads this! Ha! There are more good reasons to blog than not to. One of them being that many of you have encouraged me to do so! So here goes. . .

#NurtureCalls