The beauty we seek is often the kind that will perish.
Unless we look deeper we are fooled every time.
#nuturecalls ©Kaley Kiewiet
Monday, August 5, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
A Hiccup in My Love
I remember not long ago
feeling like you feel,
watching Mom and Dad be busy
with everything but me.
I didn't understand
why I wasn't good enough.
They tried to explain
but it simply wasn't enough.
I remember thinking "one day when I'm Mom
I'll make time like they didn't for me"
But motherhood has come, and now
responsibility has made it's plea.
Some things in life are misunderstood
until you're all grown up.
I'm stuck between being all for you
~ and being all for me too.
Wish so much I could give to you
all my time, focus and drive.
It simply is not possible
to be all I had hoped to be.
Little did I know at your age
and still, little do I know.
I see where I want to be
but often life drums another beat.
Some things in life we cannot control,
including part of who we are.
We can improve in big and little ways
but in the end we are who we are.
If only I understood
what I understand now,
I would look at my Mom differently
and love in spite of me.
Sweet child, there is so much
I would give you if I could;
spend time, play, and goof
instead of daunting chores and work.
I am burdened every day
when I see your little face;
Inquiring, asking, pleading for
Me to make you space.
Please know it kills to disappoint,
to choose anything but you.
I am trying with my very best
to help you through and through.
In all the ways I love you dear
there will always be,
a hiccup in my love for you
~ I'm human as you'll see.
Please forgive the ways I hurt,
for the ways I don't understand.
The one thing I can promise
is that you'll always have my hand.
To guide, to play,
to help along
To hug, to love
to teach you on.
For all the ways I let you down
~ please forgive me.
And try to see all the good,
for I love you endlessly.
2013©Kaley Kiewiet
A recent photo of my kids. . .
From the left: Liam, Everett & Adelle
#nurturecalls
feeling like you feel,
watching Mom and Dad be busy
with everything but me.
I didn't understand
why I wasn't good enough.
They tried to explain
but it simply wasn't enough.
I remember thinking "one day when I'm Mom
I'll make time like they didn't for me"
But motherhood has come, and now
responsibility has made it's plea.
Some things in life are misunderstood
until you're all grown up.
I'm stuck between being all for you
~ and being all for me too.
Wish so much I could give to you
all my time, focus and drive.
It simply is not possible
to be all I had hoped to be.
Little did I know at your age
and still, little do I know.
I see where I want to be
but often life drums another beat.
Some things in life we cannot control,
including part of who we are.
We can improve in big and little ways
but in the end we are who we are.
If only I understood
what I understand now,
I would look at my Mom differently
and love in spite of me.
Sweet child, there is so much
I would give you if I could;
spend time, play, and goof
instead of daunting chores and work.
I am burdened every day
when I see your little face;
Inquiring, asking, pleading for
Me to make you space.
Please know it kills to disappoint,
to choose anything but you.
I am trying with my very best
to help you through and through.
In all the ways I love you dear
there will always be,
a hiccup in my love for you
~ I'm human as you'll see.
Please forgive the ways I hurt,
for the ways I don't understand.
The one thing I can promise
is that you'll always have my hand.
To guide, to play,
to help along
To hug, to love
to teach you on.
For all the ways I let you down
~ please forgive me.
And try to see all the good,
for I love you endlessly.
2013©Kaley Kiewiet
A recent photo of my kids. . .
From the left: Liam, Everett & Adelle
#nurturecalls
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Play the Field! (For those dating or engaged)
This post is for all those who are dating, considering engagement and/or marriage. . .
You've heard the phrase "play the field" and I kind of agree. Except that it's an expression we use to experiment sexually and I don't recommend that. Sexual experimentation can clutter your ability to think straight and reason through what's good for you. One good sexual experience can cause you to over look the important qualities you desire in a person long term. Before you know it, you may find yourself in a cycle of dysfunction without a beginning or an end. The temporal good can keep us from the lasting better. It can give a false sense of security and make it very hard to break it off when/if the time comes. Unless you are willing to break off what is questionable, you are never given the opportunity to find better.
I'd like to think of "playing the field" as an expression we use to meet a lot of different people, explore the world, go on dates, take risks, make adventure, and get to know yourself in vastly different scenarios. Who are you? The only way to know is to take time to figure you out. What do you dream about and hope for in the future? What are your core beliefs about love, life, the world?
While busy cultivating life in the smallest and biggest ways (I emphasize small) take notice in who you get along with. I don't think we put enough emphasis on getting along. Who makes you feel amazing? Who inspires you and awakens the desire to live life fully!? Getting along is by far one of the most important defining reasons why your marriage could work. Choose someone you simply get along with. A clear indication that you are not getting along is constant nagging or fighting. A not so clear indication could be an underlying tension that hovers.
My husband and I had our own experiences of dating history prior to dating each other. Upon meeting each other, our dating history was "old wounds" that healed over and shaped a part of who we were. We wanted to do everything together. I remember thinking that something had to be wrong because I didn't know friendship could exist with someone who I had romantic feelings for. It does. And now I know without friendship there's no way we'd be ok! Three kids later, and we still enjoy each other. It can be crazy and out of control at times with three littles, but away from our children - away from the daunting every day responsibilities, the piling bills, financial stress - I would choose him any day to come with me for a "time out."
One thing I wish I understood when I was dating and before I got married is that sex does not and should not seal the deal. Every one of us will find ourselves sexually vulnerable many times before we are married...and that can be as powerful and as simple as a kiss. Point is this; it is not a done deal because you compromised your standards or slipped romantically. This is no reason to get married. So what, you messed up...gave a piece of yourself in a way and to someone (maybe several) you wish you hadn't. It happens to the best of us. Sexual mishaps can either strengthen who we are or can hinder our self-worth. The choice is ours. *BUT you have to wait to engage in another relationship until you come out of it in full strength. It's not wise to enter into a new relationship while you are still bleeding at the loss of a prior. It's not wise to connect intimately with another person if you are still wounded. The danger in "carried over heartache" can result in mutual cynicism, judgment, & unforgiveness - all of which may give you a sense of understanding but none of these will bring the fruit of trust, affirmation, and forgiveness.
The expression "choose wisely" is exactly right. Love is a choice. The idea of falling in love or "finding it" is not real. It may feel real, but we all know feelings are fleeting. It is your choice to love who you choose! It is no ones fault but your own if you choose to love someone you dislike. You are but a victim of your own doing.
Love is not found in the church, in the bars, in the bedroom, at work, at school. . .There is no safe place because love is not found. Love is purposed when observation is given the chance outside of our heightened emotional or physical state. Character is learned, understood and trusted only with time (how much time, well that depends on the situation). Trust should be established before marriage is even a thought. If you have trust issues now it will escalate in the future.
It is unwise to get married because you are sexually involved, you desire to be sexually involved, because you are pregnant, you are lonely, you have a child, you don't foresee anything better, because you can't live without them, because they are crazy good in bed. . .At some point you will feel very differently. Feelings take us to both wonderful and dreadful places. It is trust and good character that will successfully carry you through every good and bad day. Being happily single is far better than being miserably married. I think we all know this to be true for everyone else, but it can be difficult to understand for ourselves. That's why we need each other. No couple does well in solitude. If you are isolated from the world around you, there will be problems.
Before committing to someone ask yourself these questions:
Play the field. Get to know yourself and other people before committing to someone for life. A good working relationship will be confirmed through peace, friends, and family. There will be an overall sense that "this is good" if in fact it is good.
#nurturecalls
You've heard the phrase "play the field" and I kind of agree. Except that it's an expression we use to experiment sexually and I don't recommend that. Sexual experimentation can clutter your ability to think straight and reason through what's good for you. One good sexual experience can cause you to over look the important qualities you desire in a person long term. Before you know it, you may find yourself in a cycle of dysfunction without a beginning or an end. The temporal good can keep us from the lasting better. It can give a false sense of security and make it very hard to break it off when/if the time comes. Unless you are willing to break off what is questionable, you are never given the opportunity to find better.
I'd like to think of "playing the field" as an expression we use to meet a lot of different people, explore the world, go on dates, take risks, make adventure, and get to know yourself in vastly different scenarios. Who are you? The only way to know is to take time to figure you out. What do you dream about and hope for in the future? What are your core beliefs about love, life, the world?
While busy cultivating life in the smallest and biggest ways (I emphasize small) take notice in who you get along with. I don't think we put enough emphasis on getting along. Who makes you feel amazing? Who inspires you and awakens the desire to live life fully!? Getting along is by far one of the most important defining reasons why your marriage could work. Choose someone you simply get along with. A clear indication that you are not getting along is constant nagging or fighting. A not so clear indication could be an underlying tension that hovers.
My husband and I had our own experiences of dating history prior to dating each other. Upon meeting each other, our dating history was "old wounds" that healed over and shaped a part of who we were. We wanted to do everything together. I remember thinking that something had to be wrong because I didn't know friendship could exist with someone who I had romantic feelings for. It does. And now I know without friendship there's no way we'd be ok! Three kids later, and we still enjoy each other. It can be crazy and out of control at times with three littles, but away from our children - away from the daunting every day responsibilities, the piling bills, financial stress - I would choose him any day to come with me for a "time out."
One thing I wish I understood when I was dating and before I got married is that sex does not and should not seal the deal. Every one of us will find ourselves sexually vulnerable many times before we are married...and that can be as powerful and as simple as a kiss. Point is this; it is not a done deal because you compromised your standards or slipped romantically. This is no reason to get married. So what, you messed up...gave a piece of yourself in a way and to someone (maybe several) you wish you hadn't. It happens to the best of us. Sexual mishaps can either strengthen who we are or can hinder our self-worth. The choice is ours. *BUT you have to wait to engage in another relationship until you come out of it in full strength. It's not wise to enter into a new relationship while you are still bleeding at the loss of a prior. It's not wise to connect intimately with another person if you are still wounded. The danger in "carried over heartache" can result in mutual cynicism, judgment, & unforgiveness - all of which may give you a sense of understanding but none of these will bring the fruit of trust, affirmation, and forgiveness.
The expression "choose wisely" is exactly right. Love is a choice. The idea of falling in love or "finding it" is not real. It may feel real, but we all know feelings are fleeting. It is your choice to love who you choose! It is no ones fault but your own if you choose to love someone you dislike. You are but a victim of your own doing.
Love is not found in the church, in the bars, in the bedroom, at work, at school. . .There is no safe place because love is not found. Love is purposed when observation is given the chance outside of our heightened emotional or physical state. Character is learned, understood and trusted only with time (how much time, well that depends on the situation). Trust should be established before marriage is even a thought. If you have trust issues now it will escalate in the future.
It is unwise to get married because you are sexually involved, you desire to be sexually involved, because you are pregnant, you are lonely, you have a child, you don't foresee anything better, because you can't live without them, because they are crazy good in bed. . .At some point you will feel very differently. Feelings take us to both wonderful and dreadful places. It is trust and good character that will successfully carry you through every good and bad day. Being happily single is far better than being miserably married. I think we all know this to be true for everyone else, but it can be difficult to understand for ourselves. That's why we need each other. No couple does well in solitude. If you are isolated from the world around you, there will be problems.
Before committing to someone ask yourself these questions:
- Does he/she encourage me to be an individual?
- Does he/she allow me to dream and cultivate my gifts?
- How does he/she respond to my weaknesses? BIG one. Is he/she affirming and on your side? Does he/she push you to the forefront and demand you to fix yourself?
- How does he/she operate in relationships at work, with his/her family & friends - with your family & friends?
- Do you admire him/her?
- Do you respect him/her?
Play the field. Get to know yourself and other people before committing to someone for life. A good working relationship will be confirmed through peace, friends, and family. There will be an overall sense that "this is good" if in fact it is good.
#nurturecalls
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Proud
I am writing in honor of all mothers who have invested a great amount to give our children a rich and full life - to the best of our ability.
It's hard to put into words how I feel tonight. I am really taken back by my children who have all reached a new milestone. Liam, my 5 1/2 year old has learned how to ride a two wheel bike - a thrilling and new found freedom for him! My daughter Adelle who is 2 1/2 is now pottying on the toilet and has graduated to her "big girl bed," and Everett is eating table food and transitioning from baby to toddler. Wow. Seems so dull as I write this but the feeling attached to these inevitable experiences cannot be described, only understood. As mothers we are so easily taken back by the progression of growing up. Every little thing they do....Ugh! It just gets to our hearts!
I am so hard on myself. I strive to better, more than I am, constantly looking for ways to improve, but tonight I sit in amazement of all I am willing to do for my kids. I couldn't be more proud of who I have helped them become.
In spite of my quirkiness, bad habits that irritate the hell out of me, all the ways I fall short, one thing I am is always thankful. I will make the best with what I am given - always. A gift I offer freely to my children is thankfulness.
My house can sit in disarray for days, but I will take care of it. I am fine with leaving the laundry for a day to have an adventure with my kids, to cuddle up with a book, to nurse my baby, to be in constant explanation mode and mediate conversation so my kids understand the truth about life and relationship.
There is nothing more important to me than helping my children understand the value of life.
We are all good at something. Every one of us. Sit back and look at all you have done! There is an exceptional mother in all of us. To find it we just need to tap into the goodness and power of love that we offer to our children. His love over us is so good. And His blessing is found all around us.
Proud proud Mama today. :)
#nurturecalls
It's hard to put into words how I feel tonight. I am really taken back by my children who have all reached a new milestone. Liam, my 5 1/2 year old has learned how to ride a two wheel bike - a thrilling and new found freedom for him! My daughter Adelle who is 2 1/2 is now pottying on the toilet and has graduated to her "big girl bed," and Everett is eating table food and transitioning from baby to toddler. Wow. Seems so dull as I write this but the feeling attached to these inevitable experiences cannot be described, only understood. As mothers we are so easily taken back by the progression of growing up. Every little thing they do....Ugh! It just gets to our hearts!
I am so hard on myself. I strive to better, more than I am, constantly looking for ways to improve, but tonight I sit in amazement of all I am willing to do for my kids. I couldn't be more proud of who I have helped them become.
In spite of my quirkiness, bad habits that irritate the hell out of me, all the ways I fall short, one thing I am is always thankful. I will make the best with what I am given - always. A gift I offer freely to my children is thankfulness.
My house can sit in disarray for days, but I will take care of it. I am fine with leaving the laundry for a day to have an adventure with my kids, to cuddle up with a book, to nurse my baby, to be in constant explanation mode and mediate conversation so my kids understand the truth about life and relationship.
There is nothing more important to me than helping my children understand the value of life.
We are all good at something. Every one of us. Sit back and look at all you have done! There is an exceptional mother in all of us. To find it we just need to tap into the goodness and power of love that we offer to our children. His love over us is so good. And His blessing is found all around us.
Proud proud Mama today. :)
#nurturecalls
Saturday, June 29, 2013
An Honest Prayer of Doubt
Gut-wrenching prayer with my husband tonight. I felt lead to share. . .
"God. Forgive me for not seeking you. For allowing stupid people to taint my view of you. I'm so scared that if I seek you, you will not be found in the way I used to know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty that hovers over me. Everywhere I turn I'm afraid of something - Afraid for my kids - Please give me direction and hope. I have been carrying this weight for quite some time now; the reality that I cannot fulfill all of their needs. I wish I could! No one loves them like I love them. And asking you to fill in the gap often feels like I'm shifting responsibility. But I can't do it all. . .and it kills me. God bring encouragement from something, somewhere, someone! I feel so alone. I know you are here but do not have a clear vision of who you are in my future - or in my kids. It seems instead of "boxing you in" (which I've been careful not to do) I have boxed you out, allowing access only when I can't do it anymore. Protecting all that I love from you in case You are not who I thought you were. Wow. Cannot believe that is the truth in my heart. I'm scared. Very afraid. And I need you to help me think and live differently."
#nurturecalls
(Please note, the last thing I want in response to this is a lengthy scripture or message full of how you think I should go about knowing God. If lead to reply, pray first. If it is God-leading and you are absolutely sure then share. If it's human compassion I appreciate it and want you to pray. I felt I was suppose to share this tonight. Maybe not for me but for someone else.)
"God. Forgive me for not seeking you. For allowing stupid people to taint my view of you. I'm so scared that if I seek you, you will not be found in the way I used to know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty that hovers over me. Everywhere I turn I'm afraid of something - Afraid for my kids - Please give me direction and hope. I have been carrying this weight for quite some time now; the reality that I cannot fulfill all of their needs. I wish I could! No one loves them like I love them. And asking you to fill in the gap often feels like I'm shifting responsibility. But I can't do it all. . .and it kills me. God bring encouragement from something, somewhere, someone! I feel so alone. I know you are here but do not have a clear vision of who you are in my future - or in my kids. It seems instead of "boxing you in" (which I've been careful not to do) I have boxed you out, allowing access only when I can't do it anymore. Protecting all that I love from you in case You are not who I thought you were. Wow. Cannot believe that is the truth in my heart. I'm scared. Very afraid. And I need you to help me think and live differently."
#nurturecalls
(Please note, the last thing I want in response to this is a lengthy scripture or message full of how you think I should go about knowing God. If lead to reply, pray first. If it is God-leading and you are absolutely sure then share. If it's human compassion I appreciate it and want you to pray. I felt I was suppose to share this tonight. Maybe not for me but for someone else.)
Monday, June 24, 2013
Mental Overload (When Anxiety Hits)
My gosh. Here I sit on flylady.net ready to tackle my issues with high hopes of becoming more efficient (if you haven't visited this site before you may want to). It went from a serious high in motivation to breaking out in a sweat as the realization of how far I am from efficient sets in. Now I sit burdened by the task that was suppose to help me!
Where to start?! Now THAT is the question. It is so hard to prioritize in a world where distraction is at our finger tips. Where distraction and organization now fall in the same place: The Smart Phone. Ugh. I think it's a very dumb phone if you ask me.
I strongly desire simplicity. Where paper and pencil were the first things you picked up. But now I'm engaged in this world of functioning (dysfunction) and I can't imagine living without it. . .yet I want it gone!!! My smart phone really doesn't alleviate much paper like I thought it would. It clutters my mind and heart with so much happening in the lives of people who are not connected to me on a daily basis! We've gotten used to having to know each detail about our friends and family through media that the convenience factor makes us wonder if our friends sincerely care - or if I sincerely cared before it was "top news!"
MENTAL OVERLOAD!
God help me (us). When anxiety hits even the smallest step becomes a war zone. It's paralyzing. And the only thing I can control when I am in this paralyzed state is picking my toes and biting my nails. Nice.
Here's a few things that help me when anxiety/panic hits:
-Get up and go far from the place where anxiety came!
-Go to a place where peace and happiness are found instantly
-Fix my eyes on the priority (my priority will always have two eyes and a heart)
-Engage in a way that will make me laugh
I've learned the last thing to do when anxiety takes over is to fix my mind on what I should do. You know that hole I dug for myself!? Yeah, look for the "should" and keep diggin!
It only takes a moment of engaging in what I get to do and then what I should do doesn't seem so bad anymore. Thankful one of my happy places is with my kids outside, and today just happens to be beautiful. I'll try that efficient thing again later when I feel empowered by what sustains my happy state.
*note: happiness usually causes someone else the same result
#nurturecalls
Where to start?! Now THAT is the question. It is so hard to prioritize in a world where distraction is at our finger tips. Where distraction and organization now fall in the same place: The Smart Phone. Ugh. I think it's a very dumb phone if you ask me.
I strongly desire simplicity. Where paper and pencil were the first things you picked up. But now I'm engaged in this world of functioning (dysfunction) and I can't imagine living without it. . .yet I want it gone!!! My smart phone really doesn't alleviate much paper like I thought it would. It clutters my mind and heart with so much happening in the lives of people who are not connected to me on a daily basis! We've gotten used to having to know each detail about our friends and family through media that the convenience factor makes us wonder if our friends sincerely care - or if I sincerely cared before it was "top news!"
MENTAL OVERLOAD!
God help me (us). When anxiety hits even the smallest step becomes a war zone. It's paralyzing. And the only thing I can control when I am in this paralyzed state is picking my toes and biting my nails. Nice.
Here's a few things that help me when anxiety/panic hits:
-Get up and go far from the place where anxiety came!
-Go to a place where peace and happiness are found instantly
-Fix my eyes on the priority (my priority will always have two eyes and a heart)
-Engage in a way that will make me laugh
I've learned the last thing to do when anxiety takes over is to fix my mind on what I should do. You know that hole I dug for myself!? Yeah, look for the "should" and keep diggin!
It only takes a moment of engaging in what I get to do and then what I should do doesn't seem so bad anymore. Thankful one of my happy places is with my kids outside, and today just happens to be beautiful. I'll try that efficient thing again later when I feel empowered by what sustains my happy state.
*note: happiness usually causes someone else the same result
#nurturecalls
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Unintentional Can Hurt Just As Bad
I promised myself that my blog wouldn't become a journal so I haven't written in a while. One of those parameters I put on myself when I started the blog. I'm going to follow the lead and write anyway.
I've been feeling so much the past couple weeks and haven't given myself the time to really feel what I'm feeling - afraid it will be a well of endless tears and uncertainty of words to follow.
My oldest son Liam is 5 years old and just finished Pre-K. I feel so out of control. He came running to me as his teacher released him for the last time. His excitement was all for the thrill of what was happening in that moment; Mom, running around the tree with his friends, pictures, saying goodbye. My excitement was barely displayed as the sadness and reality crushed my ability to be real and present. I wanted to bawl my guts out. His teacher and I reached in for a hug and when we made eye contact it took about everything in us to not lose it in tears. I thanked her for all she has done for my son, for his friends, and for all of us parents. I felt very blank as I stood there watching it all unfold. I didn't want to say goodbye. It meant no more innocent years of childhood where clothes, skin color, hair cut and style didn't matter. He would be the underdog in a new school with new friends. . . new everything.
My current fear as a Mom is the reality that I can't see or know every little detail of Liam's life anymore. He is an individual and always has been. Though I celebrate that and encourage his independence I am faced with the reality that no matter how well I package to him that he can tell me anything, he likely wont. There are certain parts of who we are that we naturally do not share with our parents. It's difficult being a disciplinary and a friend at the same time. As a parent I often feel like an oxymoron. It's like saying "Liam, don't have sex before your married, but please tell me if you do!" I have no problem being Mom over a friend but as he gets older I realize the friend part gets more important.
I am scared as hell that I am unintentionally pushing him away from me day by day. "Mom, can you play outside with me?" "Oh not today buddy, so sorry, I have so much to do around here". . ."Mom, do you want to play a game with me!?" "Oh buddy, I would love that but. . . " "Mom will you read a book to me?" "I guess, but just one." But. But. But.
I'm afraid one morning I will wake up and wonder why I let him slip so far. And why I allowed laundry, dishes, a friend, a family member, my phone, facebook. . . more time into my heart than my kids. The thing is, none of us ever mean for it to happen. We just mean for something else to happen - and it gets in the way. Unintentionally doing something doesn't lessen the blow to the one who is receiving less than great. Unintentional can hurt just as much as intentional.
I'm not looking to be the perfect Mom. Wait. That's not true. I am. We all do. We hope to be better and hope to be perfect because our kids deserve it. Yes, they do. We did. Our parents did. We all deserve the very best. So this is where "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me" comes in cause none of us are that good.
People often say "Enjoy this time." I never like hearing it. It makes me think, "you mean, I wasn't before?" It's almost like saying to someone who is sick in bed, "take care of yourself" (yeah, thanks). It would mean so much more if we would say "I love watching you enjoy your kids."
I enjoy my children but I need some improving. I need to let this image go of a perfectly put together home. It's not happening for me and my house. I beat myself up everyday because of it and give my children less than because I enter into this "woe is me." It's not the messy house that messes them up, it's ME! Ouch.
Well, woe is me if I let it, but I wont let it. . .for long. I am going to be more intentional with my kids and focus less on all the ways I'm not good enough and need to change. I have a feeling change will come if I fix my eyes and heart on what really matters and Who it's for.
I've been feeling so much the past couple weeks and haven't given myself the time to really feel what I'm feeling - afraid it will be a well of endless tears and uncertainty of words to follow.
My oldest son Liam is 5 years old and just finished Pre-K. I feel so out of control. He came running to me as his teacher released him for the last time. His excitement was all for the thrill of what was happening in that moment; Mom, running around the tree with his friends, pictures, saying goodbye. My excitement was barely displayed as the sadness and reality crushed my ability to be real and present. I wanted to bawl my guts out. His teacher and I reached in for a hug and when we made eye contact it took about everything in us to not lose it in tears. I thanked her for all she has done for my son, for his friends, and for all of us parents. I felt very blank as I stood there watching it all unfold. I didn't want to say goodbye. It meant no more innocent years of childhood where clothes, skin color, hair cut and style didn't matter. He would be the underdog in a new school with new friends. . . new everything.
My current fear as a Mom is the reality that I can't see or know every little detail of Liam's life anymore. He is an individual and always has been. Though I celebrate that and encourage his independence I am faced with the reality that no matter how well I package to him that he can tell me anything, he likely wont. There are certain parts of who we are that we naturally do not share with our parents. It's difficult being a disciplinary and a friend at the same time. As a parent I often feel like an oxymoron. It's like saying "Liam, don't have sex before your married, but please tell me if you do!" I have no problem being Mom over a friend but as he gets older I realize the friend part gets more important.
I am scared as hell that I am unintentionally pushing him away from me day by day. "Mom, can you play outside with me?" "Oh not today buddy, so sorry, I have so much to do around here". . ."Mom, do you want to play a game with me!?" "Oh buddy, I would love that but. . . " "Mom will you read a book to me?" "I guess, but just one." But. But. But.
I'm afraid one morning I will wake up and wonder why I let him slip so far. And why I allowed laundry, dishes, a friend, a family member, my phone, facebook. . . more time into my heart than my kids. The thing is, none of us ever mean for it to happen. We just mean for something else to happen - and it gets in the way. Unintentionally doing something doesn't lessen the blow to the one who is receiving less than great. Unintentional can hurt just as much as intentional.
I'm not looking to be the perfect Mom. Wait. That's not true. I am. We all do. We hope to be better and hope to be perfect because our kids deserve it. Yes, they do. We did. Our parents did. We all deserve the very best. So this is where "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me" comes in cause none of us are that good.
People often say "Enjoy this time." I never like hearing it. It makes me think, "you mean, I wasn't before?" It's almost like saying to someone who is sick in bed, "take care of yourself" (yeah, thanks). It would mean so much more if we would say "I love watching you enjoy your kids."
I enjoy my children but I need some improving. I need to let this image go of a perfectly put together home. It's not happening for me and my house. I beat myself up everyday because of it and give my children less than because I enter into this "woe is me." It's not the messy house that messes them up, it's ME! Ouch.
Well, woe is me if I let it, but I wont let it. . .for long. I am going to be more intentional with my kids and focus less on all the ways I'm not good enough and need to change. I have a feeling change will come if I fix my eyes and heart on what really matters and Who it's for.
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