Dang. It's been a long time since I've written. Been busy with three children and I'm 29 weeks pregnant! It is a crazy life right now. Their sweet and precious ages are often clouded by the sheer chaos of all that comes with kids; mess, noise, fighting, screaming, clutter...this summer has been a tough one. Lack of routine is probably the greatest culprit of why it has not been fun. That, and I'm pregnant. The energy I wish I had to give is not present.
School starts in a couple weeks. Here we go again. Can I just say I am NOT a fan of a 3 month long summer. I don't get it. I wish like crazy our school district was year round. In our culture this long of a break does not make sense and causes more anxiety in kids and parents. Even my 6 year old says "I am not a fan of summer." At some point in childhood we grow out of this feeling, but no one says it more true than a child. Ever notice young children crave what is good for them? By this I mean routine, healthy habits, good food, etc. As we grow we learn behaviors and preferences that keep us far from reaching what's in our best interest.
Giving our children the tools to live every day successfully is the greatest gift we can give. But what if we don't have all the tools? I'm learning along with them about what it means to make every day successful. I swear I get it wrong more than I get it right. It frustrates me. Here these little inquiring minds, ready and eager to learn, are restricted because of my inability to show them the way. Maybe God created us this way so we'd have to acknowledge our need for Him. It must be. I'd like to think I can do it all on my own - but I can't. I certainly need a higher power to breathe new life and peace in my weary and tired existence.
How quickly I forget to be more concerned with BEING the example than setting it. It's more simple than I make it. I'm only remembering this as I write. As I look at all 3 of my kids (4 including my growing baby) I am overwhelmed with how to guide them. I think I need to focus more on myself, craving and doing what's good for me. This seems like a contradiction to motherhood - the most giving role in life - but you can only give what you put in, yes? As mothers I don't think we were designed to be as selfless as we were meant to be fruitful. Wow. That's powerful. I'll say it again...
As mothers we were not designed to be selfless, we were designed to be FRUITFUL.
This makes living look a lot different.
I'm going to rest in this and pray for strength to do just that. I have a long way to go.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
At odds with mundane
"Be who you want to be when no one else is around, so when they do come around you're proud of who you've become."
This came to me today as there is everything I'd rather do than the task of keeping up on my home. It's a daily struggle for me to remove that ugly, heavy feeling from the task at hand; a deep pit of contempt. How silly really. It's just a task of doing what's necessary. It shouldn't feel so hard. As a matter of fact I shouldn't feel anything other than a mild "eh." It's no different than having to take a shower - it simply needs to get done.
I'm a creative in nature which means I'm spontaneous and struggle to keep routine, unless of course there is something driving me to do it. Thank God for my children because they have become a driving force.
I have really good days and really bad ones. Extremism is the result of perfectionism. My husband and I laugh at each other because when we do something, it's either all the way or not at all. We are both cursed with this. It's good on one hand because we have an understanding for each other and when it's time to buckle down we do it intensely; but bad on the other because we both struggle to stop at "good enough." Imagine life in the Kiewiet home...Ha!
I've been reading The House That Cleans Itself (if only) and it's been really good. The selling factor for me is that it's about changing your home to comply with your behavior, rather than changing your behavior to comply with your home. I also keep up with flylady.net. It's a good website to help you gain control of your home and schedule, and really annoying with all the email reminders - there's no getting away from it!! :)
#nurturecalls #workinprogress
This came to me today as there is everything I'd rather do than the task of keeping up on my home. It's a daily struggle for me to remove that ugly, heavy feeling from the task at hand; a deep pit of contempt. How silly really. It's just a task of doing what's necessary. It shouldn't feel so hard. As a matter of fact I shouldn't feel anything other than a mild "eh." It's no different than having to take a shower - it simply needs to get done.
I'm a creative in nature which means I'm spontaneous and struggle to keep routine, unless of course there is something driving me to do it. Thank God for my children because they have become a driving force.
I have really good days and really bad ones. Extremism is the result of perfectionism. My husband and I laugh at each other because when we do something, it's either all the way or not at all. We are both cursed with this. It's good on one hand because we have an understanding for each other and when it's time to buckle down we do it intensely; but bad on the other because we both struggle to stop at "good enough." Imagine life in the Kiewiet home...Ha!
I've been reading The House That Cleans Itself (if only) and it's been really good. The selling factor for me is that it's about changing your home to comply with your behavior, rather than changing your behavior to comply with your home. I also keep up with flylady.net. It's a good website to help you gain control of your home and schedule, and really annoying with all the email reminders - there's no getting away from it!! :)
#nurturecalls #workinprogress
Monday, January 6, 2014
The great man next to me
He is often saddened that he cannot provide more for me. More in the sense of money, experiences. . .things. . .
What he provides for me far outweighs anything that is seen. No one gets to applaud him for it as it's done in secret, every single day. It is his time - his attentiveness to my emotional status. Each day he lays next to me, weary, yet thankful for a full day of work and little play. If I'm sad or excited about something he will sit, listen and be with me no matter what the conversation brings.
There is nothing I want more than what he already gives. Each day is a gift to have each other; to lean on, to listen, to be with in those insignificant moments that bring strength, comfort and security without us knowing.
I cherish every dull and exciting moment with him. We have become hermits, satisfied in our love for each other. We are very out of touch with the real world these days, but never more in touch with each other. We are no longer ok when a week goes by without having a moment to ourselves. I love that. There is nothing I want to experience without him. He proves to me time and time again that I am valuable. Even when I'm not so pleasant, attractive or charming, his interest in me never wavers. He takes me for all that I am and loves me in spite of all that I'm not. And I love him all the same.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
So my love. . . on the days you wish you could do more, please remember: I would much rather you than anything money could buy - or the surprises that could be. I trust and respect you more than anyone in this world. Any adventure we may take in the future does not make us "more" - the goodness we share in every day life is already as good as it gets - and it's wonderful.
Even in our differences we have the freedom to be ourselves. There is no pressure to be anyone different. That is the greatest gift of all. I love you Ben. YOU are the greatest gift.
Let it be enough
Whatever comes from the heart, let it be enough.
Someone will always package a similar gesture in a prettier box. It's inevitable. Rest in who you are and the extensions from you. No one can do what you do in the way you do it. It may not be the loudest or the prettiest - but it is original, authentic.
At the end of the day when glamour fades, authenticity remains.
#nurturecalls
At the end of the day when glamour fades, authenticity remains.
#nurturecalls
Friday, December 20, 2013
the marriage struggle
For a reason.
No picture could contain -
we lived a week separate from each other, once again.
Craving love,
Understanding,
A warm greeting that was true.
No other opinion do I hold so dear, in my heart, than what comes from you.
I bitch.
I scold.
I affirm a lie
That anyone is more important than you in my life.
Not one.
Not my mothers, my fathers or child.
It's you.
Only you, I hope to come alive.
In this knowing,
Ever-loving,
the person I have become.
For you chose me
You chose me
To be the one.
All this hopeless
In wondering
if you'd choose me again.
You chose me
You chose me
To be your cover.
And I choose you.
I choose you.
Every day
You're my lover.
I'd choose you,
I'd choose you,
again and again.
I'd choose you,
I'd choose you,
again and again.
copyright Kaley Kiewiet
#nurturecalls
Friday, November 1, 2013
A mind of her own, and obstinate
It appears that my 3 year old daughter needs to learn the boundaries of how to speak and act. Over the last few weeks it has gotten drastically worse. After all, she did just turn three! There is no doubt that we have a very strong-willed child on our hands. If you say go, she'll say stop. If you say yes, she'll say no. If you suggest anything, she will trump you and demand something different. If you ask "would you like something" or "would you like to do" if it wasn't her idea first she will kill it without hesitation. It doesn't matter how kind you are. She is not impressed. It has to be her way, her idea and always in her time. If you dare to go against this, there is hell to pay; with flailing about, screaming, hitting, you name it. We call this; Gremlin Girl (not to her of course). Obstinance in full-fold.
Well, that's not going to sit well in this household sister. Sorry. You don't get to treat me or anyone disrespectfully with that kind of detest or obstinance. I love you too much to let you act like this. So! Homebound we are for a few days (maybe weeks) as we make it very clear that this kind of behavior is not acceptable.
Why homebound? I have always been apprehensive of giving children a "1- 2 -3" until they shape up. I think a parent should be taken seriously the second they speak. Three kids later, I've done a pretty good job keeping consistent, remaining calm and stern (usually), but three kids later: it has become a struggle! My girl is keeping me on my toes! Every second she is awake there is an issue we have to work through. "Mom!! I DON'T want that spoon!"/ "I said I wanted too much!!!" (her way in saying 'more') / "I will NOT do that" / "You come here right NOW!" (yes, speaking to me) / "I will NOT eat this!" (sliding the bowl across the table, then crossing her arms in disgust). Yeah, that's what I'm dealing with. I've lost it several times, and about lost it many times more. I have felt hopeless & anxious dealing with one scenario after another. The fight never stops.
Because I don't want to draw too much attention to the negative I've been ignoring (or trying to) some of the bad behavior so not to flip a lid - for her sake and for mine. But it's kind of hard to ignore. And ignoring. . .really!? Like I don't see how you're acting? Am I just going to ignore it and let you get away with destructive behavior and a nasty attitude? I don't think so.
Lately my husband and I have been questioning our parenting techniques (if you call it that). We have become reactive parents and in our insecurity have been at odds with each other when dealing with our kids. What it came down to is, neither one of us knew what to do. Thankfully we came together. Because of this, there is a higher level of respect and appreciation from our kids.
A consequence in our house is a wooden spoon to the butt. But not always. It is used to correct direct defiance or unruly behavior. Ideally with a calm, stern approach followed by "I'm so sorry you made that choice, it makes me sad to have to give you a spanking." One stinging swat. Same strength. Followed by a hug. "I hope you make a better choice next time." With our strong-willed girl, this happens about every 5 minutes. But it is happening less and less as she's realizing "Mama" and "Dada" are serious and consistent. Hence, being homebound for a few days. This sort of discipline doesn't set well with the world today. Though, I do bring the spoon with us every where we go because I don't want her to think she is off the hook. She understands that until we see better behavior from her, she doesn't get to go on playdates, enjoy library time, shopping, etc. This is a big deal to our independent girl.
Let me explain why we use the wooden spoon. I once read that hands are for blessing. I love that and want to keep it that way. I don't want loose hands when it comes to disciplining my kids. It is far too easy to let anger get the best of me. A spanking done in anger can do far worse damage than what is intended. When I have to fetch the spoon, it keeps my temper in check. I am less likely to be caught in an emotional uproar when I have a few extra seconds to think before I act.
My dad just pointed out the other day that we have adopted the 1-2-3 theory without realizing it, only using different words. "Adelle, please don't do that again or there will be a consequence." We follow through with the consequence after giving her a warning, and then remind her of the warning, instead of giving her the opportunity to take us seriously the second we speak.
For the last few days we have been parenting in the way that we used to - which means more work. With a strong-willed child that means a lot more work. But there is no easy way around parenting so we might as well nip bad behavior in the butt, and stay consistent. Day three, and we are already seeing progress. It has not been without a major fight on her end, but we have remained calm, and reminded her that the choice is hers. The consequence will either be good or bad.
We are all different parents, and with very different kids, so I am not saying that we should all spank (nor do I presume that my opinion matters to you). My husband and I have been back and forth with time-outs, consequences, rewards, etc., and nothing gets her attention more promptly than a spanking. With any consequence there has to be a "sting" so that they think twice before doing it again. Rewards are also good. But seriously, I can't give the girl a candy bar every time she does something right. And sometimes the reward of making good choices is simply the joy in the moment of choosing well! That should be good enough. It is so easy to spoil our children in today's society.
It is said that the best kind of parenting is Authoritative Parenting. I agree with this. Children are individuals. Their actions will get a response. The response will either be positive or negative. We need to equip them with the right tools to be successful. If they make negative choices, they will get negative results. If they choose right, they will get positive results. The choice is theirs! We have to be careful not to withhold discipline for fear that we draw too much attention to the negative.
Some key points to practicing good discipline:
Well, that's not going to sit well in this household sister. Sorry. You don't get to treat me or anyone disrespectfully with that kind of detest or obstinance. I love you too much to let you act like this. So! Homebound we are for a few days (maybe weeks) as we make it very clear that this kind of behavior is not acceptable.
Why homebound? I have always been apprehensive of giving children a "1- 2 -3" until they shape up. I think a parent should be taken seriously the second they speak. Three kids later, I've done a pretty good job keeping consistent, remaining calm and stern (usually), but three kids later: it has become a struggle! My girl is keeping me on my toes! Every second she is awake there is an issue we have to work through. "Mom!! I DON'T want that spoon!"/ "I said I wanted too much!!!" (her way in saying 'more') / "I will NOT do that" / "You come here right NOW!" (yes, speaking to me) / "I will NOT eat this!" (sliding the bowl across the table, then crossing her arms in disgust). Yeah, that's what I'm dealing with. I've lost it several times, and about lost it many times more. I have felt hopeless & anxious dealing with one scenario after another. The fight never stops.
Because I don't want to draw too much attention to the negative I've been ignoring (or trying to) some of the bad behavior so not to flip a lid - for her sake and for mine. But it's kind of hard to ignore. And ignoring. . .really!? Like I don't see how you're acting? Am I just going to ignore it and let you get away with destructive behavior and a nasty attitude? I don't think so.
Lately my husband and I have been questioning our parenting techniques (if you call it that). We have become reactive parents and in our insecurity have been at odds with each other when dealing with our kids. What it came down to is, neither one of us knew what to do. Thankfully we came together. Because of this, there is a higher level of respect and appreciation from our kids.
A consequence in our house is a wooden spoon to the butt. But not always. It is used to correct direct defiance or unruly behavior. Ideally with a calm, stern approach followed by "I'm so sorry you made that choice, it makes me sad to have to give you a spanking." One stinging swat. Same strength. Followed by a hug. "I hope you make a better choice next time." With our strong-willed girl, this happens about every 5 minutes. But it is happening less and less as she's realizing "Mama" and "Dada" are serious and consistent. Hence, being homebound for a few days. This sort of discipline doesn't set well with the world today. Though, I do bring the spoon with us every where we go because I don't want her to think she is off the hook. She understands that until we see better behavior from her, she doesn't get to go on playdates, enjoy library time, shopping, etc. This is a big deal to our independent girl.
Let me explain why we use the wooden spoon. I once read that hands are for blessing. I love that and want to keep it that way. I don't want loose hands when it comes to disciplining my kids. It is far too easy to let anger get the best of me. A spanking done in anger can do far worse damage than what is intended. When I have to fetch the spoon, it keeps my temper in check. I am less likely to be caught in an emotional uproar when I have a few extra seconds to think before I act.
My dad just pointed out the other day that we have adopted the 1-2-3 theory without realizing it, only using different words. "Adelle, please don't do that again or there will be a consequence." We follow through with the consequence after giving her a warning, and then remind her of the warning, instead of giving her the opportunity to take us seriously the second we speak.
For the last few days we have been parenting in the way that we used to - which means more work. With a strong-willed child that means a lot more work. But there is no easy way around parenting so we might as well nip bad behavior in the butt, and stay consistent. Day three, and we are already seeing progress. It has not been without a major fight on her end, but we have remained calm, and reminded her that the choice is hers. The consequence will either be good or bad.
We are all different parents, and with very different kids, so I am not saying that we should all spank (nor do I presume that my opinion matters to you). My husband and I have been back and forth with time-outs, consequences, rewards, etc., and nothing gets her attention more promptly than a spanking. With any consequence there has to be a "sting" so that they think twice before doing it again. Rewards are also good. But seriously, I can't give the girl a candy bar every time she does something right. And sometimes the reward of making good choices is simply the joy in the moment of choosing well! That should be good enough. It is so easy to spoil our children in today's society.
It is said that the best kind of parenting is Authoritative Parenting. I agree with this. Children are individuals. Their actions will get a response. The response will either be positive or negative. We need to equip them with the right tools to be successful. If they make negative choices, they will get negative results. If they choose right, they will get positive results. The choice is theirs! We have to be careful not to withhold discipline for fear that we draw too much attention to the negative.
Some key points to practicing good discipline:
- Your child should understand why they are being punished.
- Follow through consistently without an emotional rise
- Keep a strong commitment to establishing & communicating boundaries
- Give children the power to choose right from wrong (both have consequences)
- Keep your temper in check
- You are going to make mistakes. It's ok! Acknowledge when you are wrong, and continue with the plan of discipline. "I'm sorry," is best learned when modeled yourself.
- Get on the same page with your spouse. You equally need support, accountability & affirmation. Being a part of a team is far better than being alone.
Sometimes all the difference in the world is the way we view parenting. Is it an inconvenience when our children act out, or do we see this as an opportunity to teach? Our view could change the way we parent.
I am in the thick of dealing with a defiant child. I have made many mistakes, will continue to do so, but the mistakes will be few and far in between staying consistent and keeping strong.
Hope this helps someone out there. It has really helped me. And it's a good reminder for those of us who have multiple kids. Life can be so crazy and out of control at times.
#nurturecalls
Thursday, October 24, 2013
True Nobility
I read this today and thought I would share. . .
"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self." ~ Ernest Hemingway
I find great freedom in this. In a world where everyone's life status is a continual reminder of where we fall short, it's nice to be reminded of this. It gives me hope to strive and become better for myself and for my family. Not for anyone else.
#nurturecalls
"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self." ~ Ernest Hemingway
I find great freedom in this. In a world where everyone's life status is a continual reminder of where we fall short, it's nice to be reminded of this. It gives me hope to strive and become better for myself and for my family. Not for anyone else.
#nurturecalls
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